Dude: Mommy, I see your penis!
Me: I'm afraid not. I don't have a penis.
D: Everybody has a penis, Mom, it's okay. It's natural.
Me: No, everyone does not have a penis, darling. Boys have a penis, and girls have... well, only boys have a penis.
Must I have this conversation again? And before 8 a.m.? He's not even four yet - I thought all this came later?
D: Mom, you're going to grow a penis!
Me: I certainly hope not.
D: Yes you are!
Me: That would be unfortunate. I drop a handful of silverware in the slotted compartment in the dishwasher. And just weird.
D: You'll like growing a penis, Mom.
Me: Hmmm. Is it painful?
D cocks his head, lifts a spoonful of key lime yogurt to his mouth.
D: Not really. I don't remember it being... what did you say?
Me: Painful. Hurt at the time.
D: Oh, painful, that's right. Well, no, it wasn't painful. It's pretty great.
Me: I'll pass, thanks. I bump the dishwasher door closed with one hip, sit down at the table with him. Honey, I'm not going to grow a penis.
D: But James has a penis.
Me: He certainly does.
D: And Devin.
Me: I would assume as much, yes.
D: Well, I think you should grow a penis, Mom.
Me: Honey. It doesn't work like that. People don't just grow penises later in life. Sometimes people want to have one put on or taken off, but that's a whole different story and not one that I really want to get into while you're eating your yogurt.
D sets the yogurt cup down and studies my face. He considers me, then the yogurt, then picks up the cup, drops it into the trash can, walks over and tosses his spoon into the sink. He returns to the table, climbs up into his chair, settles in.
D: Okay. No yogurt.
Me: Absolutely not.
D: Bologna sandwich?
Me: It's not really a food-related sort of conversation. Plus, I'd rather you be a bit older for that one.
Me: Really, honey. I get up, pluck the spoon from the sink and put it in the dishwasher. Later.
D: You wouldn't say that if you had a penis. If you had a penis, you'd talk about it.
Me: You're probably right.
D: I am right. I have the penis. That makes me right.
Me: That's pretty much the only time you're ever going to be able to say that, you know.
D: You should grow a penis.
Me: I'll just settle for penis envy, thanks.
D: I'm going to go watch SpongeBob now. Thanks for the yogurt.
Me: You're welcome. Forehead against the fridge door. Dear God.
D: Mom! Does God have a penis?
Me: Against the fridge door. It just keeps getting worse and more complicated.
D: Mom! From the den. What's penis envy?